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MMMMM [05 Dec 2004|08:03pm]
Smells like Israel! Cannot wait! :) Yey I am going with my boyfriend and his parents this winter. Shall be AMAZING. I will see my new baby cousin and relax by the Dead Sea. I only wish my sister could come along. Then the trip would be perfect. But soon! She turns 18 and it will be so great because we will be able to travel together.

I read something repugnant: 70% of Americans have been to Disney World. But only 6% have a passport! Just like children.....

Everyone should read From Beirut to Jerusalem and it will speak for itself. Powerful. Informative. Unforgettable. Hillarious! About a Jewish journalist living in Lebanon and Syria and the adventures.
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FAILURE [09 Nov 2004|06:11am]
I feel incredibly depressed and I am honestly not aware as to the actual reason. I have an exam but I have been laying in bed for two hours and thinking. I don't feel happy right now even though logically there are many reasons why I should feel satisfied. Maybe the emense amount of homework, exams, not going out all weekend, not seeing my family in over a month, possibly losing my job, feeling as if I am a dissapointment on multiple levels. Maybe I need the sun. Maybe I need more security and an actual job. When I am with people, I feel completely fine and happy, my optimistic usual self. But sometimes I dont know if I am acting happy and optimistic because I am or because I feel I have to due to the people around me. I have a headache that is taking over to sections of my face. The last time I felt so negative was this summer. But now I dont have an actual excuse. I will force myself to study now.
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[01 Nov 2004|06:02am]
I believe I was too harsh. I do not know how it truley feels to be in my friend's situation and cannot relate on all levels. I should be more supportive as oppose to judgemental. I want the best for my friend and for them to truley see and accept. I do not accept giving up and regretting. There are many people who care. My friend should spend more time concentrating on building strong friendships and trusting people. I was just fristrated last night. I just cant stand seeing people in pain, it hurts me aswell.
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Change [31 Oct 2004|10:32pm]
I have changed a great deal since last year. I feel a lot more comfortable and satisfied this year in terms of my relationship with my new friendships and my boyfriend. This morning I finally and once again realized that I cannot keep a fake struggling friendship with people who do not respect me, do not care about me unless I drink with them, and remind me of empty glasses with suppressed intellect, thought, ambition, and openness, who continually fill themselves up with the culturally encouraged drink. They think inside the glass, inside their animal needs, egotistically and immaturely. I have attempted to rebuild our friendship after problems last year even though my intuition the whole time has been whispering to me to stop. I hate the idea of cutting people off but with a fast paced life of problems, work, family issues, sleepless nights of studying, and minimal time to eat, there is no time and should not be time in my life for those who use and attempt to control me and bring me down on all levels. I am not an animal. I have more needs than to drink, be promiscuous, eat, and sleep. I desire intellectual stimulation, discovery, true friendship, and everything else that is available to me as a human.

I read something today which made me emotionally nauseous; some people will not accept reality and continue to struggle to hide from the truth. They medicate themselves with pain, low self-esteem, and continue to allow their past to control them, as oppose to living day by day and enjoying everything they have and can have. Why will they not concentrate on the positive, wonderful; their talents, and stop battling against something they will never overcome, because it does not need to be overcome, it cannot be overcome. They need to stop fearing rejection and fearing their past or else it will continue to destroy them. Being fake only hurts to death of soul. Forced laughter will not help your friendships or hide the pain. Its been obvious for years. Good morning. Use the brain.
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Dillusion [19 Oct 2004|09:47am]
I desire to live in my own oil painted translucent world where I have the choice of seeing the negative gloomy reality. I want to feel the bright warm stars and feel satisfied and completly hopeful. I dont know how much more coldness I can feel. I cant accept any more pure negativity, condescending behavior, and complaining. I want honesty, happiness, and more love. I am very confused right now and I'm babbling, I just feel overwhelmed and depressed. Its really hard when the person you love most is going through emotionally straining and challenging times; it truley affects me. I know I am being vague. I dont have the energy to write anymore. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and I felt interupted and ignored. Maybe its just me. But maybe its reality. I dont do rollercoasters. I dont do stress. I dont do pain. Or asleast I wish I could avoid those.
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Moving On [18 Aug 2004|02:43am]
So tommorow I'm moving into my boyfriend's parents' house for a week, because of the way my lease worked out. I have very mixed feelings. I hope his parents dont treat me like a little girl. I have grown up very independent and I hate depending on anyone and feeling like a guest at someone's house. I'm just glad that its only a week. Lately for the past week or so, I have had horrid nightmares so I hope this isnt symbolic of something horrible coming up. I feel so tired and I miss my friends so much who are all so far away. I wish I could go back to junior year of high school for a day and act completly careless and do anything I want, as I used to. Right now I want to be in my basement and talking for hours with debbie and eating chocolate dessert and watching movies and having sleep overs. I hate instability and I feel unstable in terms of school work and friendships. I called debbie a few days ago and she didnt pick up. So life is life.
Reflecting on this summer is hard. I acheived being totally independent from my parents, which was a huge challenge for me. I read many books by Vonnegut and other favorite authors...but I didnt paint as much as I should have and I didnt work as much as I should have and I wasnt there for my sister as much as I should have. I love her; its indescribable, but we are extremely different. A door is blocking our true connection and trust. I want her to succeed, to love herself, and mature. She must do this herself and she doesnt want to. She prefers to stay in the hole in which she is emmersed.
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Satisfaction [09 Aug 2004|10:24pm]
I feel completly satisfied in all areas of my life right now. Figuring out who my true friends are has helped me a lot. I used to always feel used in my friendships and always felt as if I was continually giving and rarely receiving support. I plan to not see certain people anymore...lets see if I can be strong enough. Its hard to say "too bad" when you dont respect someone and even if they treat you horridly but then call you up crying and telling you they are your best friend and need you. But from now on I will only spend my time on those people who genuinly love me and care for my well-being; my close friends and family.
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Responsibility [04 Aug 2004|04:57am]
When will my dad take responsibility for his children? Hmmm at this rate...never. He wont help me move into my dorm and is sending my brother to help me move in. He apparently doesnt care for my living conditions or to spend time with me. Lovely how he hasnt visited me all summer in Boston. But he bought me a digital camera and shoes, so he feels he is a good father. We have different opinions. I wonder if he will miss me when he grows up(emotionally and age-wise). I hope he starts missing me soon while I still have the ability to forgive him. Maybe responsibility for one's children is not innate, I just wish it were. Atleast I have the most amazing loving caring grandfather. I just wish I had it all nomatter how cliche that sounds. Goodnight and in 5 hours I will be leaving to Montreal with my love.
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Relaxation;Romance;Fear [03 Aug 2004|06:16pm]
Last weekend was beautiful; I went to Hayanis Beach on the Cape. The water was perfect and so was the sun and the sand and Ilya *muah*. This day consisted of playing in the water, running around, sitting near Eastern European boys who were typical, and buying a book of art made by mental health patients in Germany during Hitler's rule.

If Bush wins then my mom wont get her job back...shes a teacher and was layed off due to lack of funds she Bush decided were better spend on bombing children...because that makes sense. I wish that people's ability to conceive children resulted from intellect and morale and responsibility. BUT that is not the case...oh well and baby Bush was conceived. rrrrrr Also if this were the case then hundreds of thoasands of children in South America and other third world areas, would not be born into impoverished horrid circumstances to parents who cannot afford to take care of them financially or emotionally.

I cannot stand controlling people> I will not have to deal with them!!! yey

I am living in a single in the Russian house next year.....OMG YESSSSS! No more roomate nightmares of being sexiled daily and having to fabrease hourly the laundry one had not washed in a whole semester. No more wondering why the shampoo and soap were never used up and why there was a complete lack of deodorant. No more 4 am phone calls. No more manipulation and rumors and pity and regret. And less alergies from the dust that was never cleaned. :) NO MORE NO MORE

Everyone has to read A Breakfast of Champions by Vonnegut; hillarious, cynical, shocking, blunt, "turns pronography into fixing a pipe," was what one reveiwer stated. It pionts out the depression of American life with idealism and experimentation.
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Oooooh [15 Jun 2004|01:33pm]
My sister is on a date!!! :) He is so sweet to her and I am very happy for her. She deserves this so much.
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Summer in Boston [07 Jun 2004|02:13am]
I haven't updated in forever. Well all is ok. I have mixed feelings about so many things. I just got into an argument with my boyfriend. I love him so much and he is a huge part of my life; I have never felt so cared about in my life and I have never cared about any guy this much. He is my best friend. I hope the minor issues we have dont explode.

Even though my boyfriend and some of my friends are here in Boston, I still really miss my friends who are home and my sister and mother. Surprisinlgy I miss my home. I do get satisfaction from being independent and not seeing my dad is well magnificent. But I miss living with people who I am close with. I dont have that here. I'm not close with anyone in the housing in which I live and I have little in common with them. I sometimes feel lonely, much less now than I did in the begining of the summer before I got adjusted.

My sister came to visit me last week. She is begining to mature and we are becoming really close because she is finally opening up to me. I love her so much and I want her to be happy. I wish she was already 18 and could leave the disfunctional hole is which she lives. I want her to be more ambitious and accomplish many things and become confident. She is such a caring and good person. It hurts me so much every time I think about what a negative affect my dad has had on my whole family. I feel so fortunate to have moved away. He is begining to minimally respect me. But I can never respect him as a father because sperm does not make him my father. He doesnt know me at all and he doesnt know my mom even though they have lived together for so long. He hardly notices that my sister is alive. All he does is scream, insult, judge, hurt everyone who he should love, respect, treasure.

I still dont know what I want to do in terms of my major. I am becoming less passionate about art. I want to accomplish so much, but with minimal guidance its a challenge. I want to sit in julia's backyard at night and talk to her for hours while breathing the cool air and then have a dance party and swim in her pool. Then I want to fly to Eastern Europe and walk around and meet people, then I want to fly around anywhere and everywhere. After wards I want to return to the US and do cartwheels along Mass Ave, as Allison and I had planned to after finals. Then I think I will need a nap, after which I will wake up smiling and drink tea. :)
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Reflection on Freshman Year of College [07 May 2004|01:11pm]
Oh my gosh...the year I was waiting for my whole life actually happened; I dreamed and prayed for freshman year of college ever since elementary school. It is finished and it was WONDERFUL!!! :) :) :) I feel like I already knew myself so well because of everything that has happened to me, but I adapted well and analyzed myself even more.

I met my best friend here, Allison!! on the second day...woohooo!! Shes amazing and caring and fun and sweet and intelligent and understanding, etc etc etc. And she knows how to dance and dump bad bad boys! Then I met my other best friend Beth second semester and she is so caring and hospitable and would always let me stay in her room when I would have trouble with the person I was living with rrrr rrrr rrrr and smells! You would think people would learn how to shower, do laundry, and vacuum before coming to college, I guess some people are just behind in their development. But 19 I would think is a good age to learn! omg...what an experience dealing with someone who smells. I would fabreze every time she left the room but it never fully worked.

I learned:

how much stress I can handle

I am so much happier living away from my family! especially my dad!

If boys ask you to come to their apartment late at night, its not to just talk!

To never date an egyptian or a practicing muslim...just dont
(It was a rebellious act against my dad)

That I have the ability to have a normal healthy loving caring relationship, which I never thought would be possible for me because of my family life. I am so happy with my boyfriend now :).

It can always get better. It can always get worse.

No matter what happens, I should just be thankful for living in America.

Some friendships will never be the same and to let go.

I dont like being drunk.

To open myself up even more to new ideas and different types of people.

I'm not alone in certain issues.

To study more next semester.

Dont date anyone out of pity...it never works out.

To respect myself even more and to love more things about myself.

To be more honest with myself.

I have more things to be thankful for than I can count!

I want to conquer the world with hugs and maybe even kisses!

To break up with people in a calm logical way and remain friendly.

I dont like smoking at all.

Doing manuel volunteer labor for spring break is not that rewarding.

Hooking up with someone else after a breakup only makes me feel worse.

Its a good thing sometimes to lose touch with some people...

Some people will never give up! wtf? my ex from last summer still leaves me phone messages! I have never returned them. It is time to stop.

I dont have to be traveling somewhere all the time to be happy, its not where you are its who you are with.

I love my friends even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Gaugain.

I love teaching and tutoring kids, especially sweet cute masha with her Clifford obsession.

I think I might want to be an inner city charter high school art teacher.

I think I will go dance around my room now out of happiness! *MUAH*

-To be continued
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I Do Not Know... [09 Aug 2003|05:07pm]
[ mood | confused ]

So yeah, with every day I am realizing that my boyfriend is not the right person for me; we have already decided that we are not staying together as soon as I leave for college (my decision). But now I am not sure if I even want to stay with him for the rest of the minmally left summer. I feel like his actions towards me are becoming increasingly inconsiderate and that all he's interested in is getting into my pants and figuring out more creative ways to lie to me. He's attempting to tell me everything I "want" to hear and its becoming more and more obvious and bullsh*t like. I may not be right, but I beleive I am. I told him about my very sick grandfather and his response showed me that he was not even listening to me; he told me he was upset that we could not go to the beach together today and that he wants to party with me...um no! Some things (most things) are more important that hooking up, going to the beach, and partying). I love my grandfather to death and his inconsiderate and superficial remark hurt me. Our relationship from my point of view is very superficial because it is based on looks and enjoyable hookups. He says that he loves talking to me and that I'm one of the most interesting people he has ever met, but that is not my opinion of him. Our feelings are not mutual. I am just confused and do not know how to let him know that I do not wish to date him any further...because even though he is superficial and does not know it, I do not desire to hurt him. Oh well...more thought. Looks and sexiness...equal short fun flings, which this was.

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Ok....crazzzzy! [26 Jun 2003|07:25am]
One of my fabulous family members decided to wake me and at 6 am and tell me that I am late for work, which is at 8am. Since she told me that I was late and it was 7, I didnt bother to look at the time. I got dressed as fast as I could and didnt have time to properly get my things together. She then told me in a hurry that I was late and she was leaving. I jumped in her car and she drove me to work. I arrived there at 7 and forced the father of the kids I babysit to jump out of the shower in his towel to answer the door. He asked me what I was doing there an hour early! It was great. So now I am hear writing this entry, when I still should have been sleeping. After that escapade I rode my bike around the block and that was semi-enjoyable besides for the dog shit on the street which my neighboors constantly forget to clean up. But yes...my day shall improve! :)
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Well Then... [22 Jun 2003|08:52pm]
Hmmm, well I went to J's grad party today; it was very nice and getting lost on the way was a small adventure! Oh yes! I visited my grandfather last night and that was great because I have missed him sooo much! He was diagnosed with having glacoma and is going blind in one eye and it is horrible. I wish I could always be there for him, but due to everything I cannot. I wish he could move to Boston next year so I could visit him any time I wanted, but life is life and phones are helpful! No matter the distance my grandfather is amazing!

Soon my friend J. comes home from France and I am looking forward to this sooo much! I miss her and the DC trip shall be sexxxy hot! I have so much to talk to her about and she gives great advice *hug* to you in France! Hit on french guyz and eat many pastries for me! hehe Living vicariously at the moment could work maybe hehe!

Right now I am happy and everything is going pretty well :)! Just missing my friends who are far away and dreaming in oil paints.
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Interesting [20 Jun 2003|10:31pm]

You're Sudan!

Every time you get a headache, you reach for some aspirin, only to
realize that someone destroyed it.  That's just how things are going for you right
now... it's hard to eat, hard to sleep, hard to not have a headache.  You try to
relax, but people always jump on you about something that doesn't make sense.  If
you were a goat, you'd be a Nubian.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

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Everything! [14 Jun 2003|08:19pm]
Well prom was AMAZING to say it minimally; i had one of the best times of my life at prom and tent city. Dancing and more dancing and more dancing cha cha cha & woo hoo!!! I danced all night until 5 am...but then it kicked in and i'm sick now. But it was definatly worth it :)!!! For one night I forgot everything except how to have a blast! All of my dancing partners were great hehe and I danced w/ many people I ordinarily would not have. Quite a night!

Graduation was nice and left me with a wierd nastalgic feelingof happiness as well as sadness due to all of the people I may not see again.

Graduation parties were great fun and I had conversations with people I usually never see and it was very enjoyable and sweet! Go fire works and cartwheels and cake! hehe...and the giving out of numbers ;)! Maybe scandel maybe not!

I realized once again one of my former best friends has changed into a fake person who I do not trust and admire and respect anymore, unfortunatly. I do not believe we will ever be true friends again due to our differences, due to her hypocritical behavior. I will not attempt anymore to save a dying rose because I have no power to bring our friendship back to life. I have pretty much accepted this. I wish the very best for her and I hope she realized her contradictory fake behavior, learns more about herself, and acts like herself. Until then, there is no point is wasting energy and feeling pain. Till the next entry, aurevoir~*~
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Last Day of School & Previous Week [04 Jun 2003|10:39am]
Sleepy and I feel wierd. The past week and week end was fun. I visited Allie, whom I have missed and it was nice seeing her and I hope for her to visit me someitme as well. Then on monday I went to another concert which was OK, but not fab or anything, but going on rides brought me back to my childhood memories. Emotionally I have been done with high school for about a year now so I'm finally done...almost in 3 hrs! Yes yes finally. I greatly enjoyed my high school experience, but I am definatly ready to get out and see the real world full of culture and excitement. I going to dance tonight and feel the nastalgia to my heart beat! hot hot times ;)! Aurevoir!
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Color!!! [23 May 2003|01:43pm]
Red Rose
Your signiture color is . . . RED: Color of love.
You're happiest when your heart is 100% into
what you're doing. Sexy is part of your being.

What's your signature color?
brought to you by Quizilla
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PMS session over! hehe [23 May 2003|01:25pm]
Even though I learned about Steven Silversteins suicide last night and it was a very emotional and unfortunate time, I talked to one of my friends, D., about it and she comforted me and we discussed many issues and I feel so much better! The horrid thing about this young boys death is that it could have been prevented by his parents and teachers..., which is usualy the case with suicides and depression. Harrassement is tormenting and needs to end and parents and teachers need to enforce this!

This weekend: clubbing, clubbing, projects, jill's house, ice cream hehe! hot hot; oh yeah! and sending a post card to my friend in France! I wish I was in Europe and dancing under the glimmering stars with music playing to my heart beat. That would make me exstatic...as would many other things hehe!
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